Silence! of the Lamb Salad

Hey, guys.  I wrote this to you on Sunday, but I just finished it today because on Sunday Bloody Marys took precedence over you, ok? Sorry.  Perhaps I should work on my parenting skills, in case I ever spawn.

Well, I suppose this time is as good as any to say hello again, considering that I am unwilling (but mostly unable) to detach my ass from this couch after last night’s debauchery session with friends in the East Village. 

We began the evening sensibly enough, with big earrings and tall boots, and dinner and theater, but you know how sometimes things happen and WHOOSH all of a sudden it’s 5:00 in the morning?  Yep, it was one of THOSE nights.

The evening was great fun, but I have to say the highlight was seeing Silence! The Musical.

It is true.  Some wondrous soul created a musical based on the movie Silence of the Lambs, and it is the most splendid thing EVER - though I haven’t seen Book of Mormon, yet.  But do those Mormons have a CHORUS OF DANCING LAMBS?  I think not.

Our friends were Silence! newbies, but this was actually Doyle’s and my second time seeing it, because IT WAS THAT GOOD.  We first saw it during our wedding weekend, the unofficial theme of which was “lambs to the slaughter”.

I don’t want to give too much away about this glorious play, because a little moth told me Silence! will soon be hitting the road and spreading it’s unadorned lady suit-wearing joy across the US, but the play is basically every single line of dialogue from the movie interjected with musical show stoppers, such as: “Are You About a Size 14?” and “Put the Fucking Lotion in the Basket”.

G-E-N-I-U-S.  So funny your throat will hurt for days.  So good you’ll pee your pants. So sad you missed it because it closed.

So with aching throats, our hedonistic group tottered giddily across the street and tumbled into a Ukranian bar.  By 1:00 AM, or as I like to call it “Pizza O’clock”, I went to the pizza place next door to order a pie and have it delivered to the bar. Yes, America.  That happens here.  Regularly.

But the pizza cooks were feeling a little flirty, a little feisty, and they made the grave mistake of calling me “sassy lady” (among other things), so I stepped behind the pizza counter to show them what sassy was.

I don’t remember how it all progressed exactly, but I’m pretty sure that somewhere floating on the internet is a photograph of me wielding a pizza cutter at a 75 year old Italian guy who is doing push ups while wearing a huge smile on his face and my boot on his back.  Good times all around.  Plus, I got four bucks off the pizza.  Score.

I know.  I’m five years old. I once met a man named John Thomas Cox and it still makes me laugh.  I’m the asshole giggling when you say “duty”. If you tell me not to do something, I’ll probably do it. So it should be no surprise that when someone innocently pointed out the Jagermeister machine behind the bar I decided to play a little game called “How many of my friends can I get to drink this mind-numbing Elixer of Satan?”  The answer was: more than I thought.

And it goes on and on like this till WHOOSH, and you realize it’s one of those nights where you will end up having your post-evening glass of water confiscated by a bouncer in the backroom of a karaoke bar because it’s almost 5:00 in the morning and he wants you to PLEASE STOP singing Flo Rida, white girl, get down off the table because you are NOT Katy Perry and take your drunk ass the fuck home so I can go make breakfast for my family, go feed the woman I've got in the well, etc. 

Whatever, Buffalo Bill.  Killjoy.

In honor of Silence! The Musical, here is one of my favorite lamb dishes to cook for my flesh-eating friends.  Enjoy.

Silence! of the Lamb Salad

Serves 2 - 3 people

MARINADE THE LAMB

1 tsp Cumin

2 cloves of crushed garlic

The juice of one lemon

½ cup olive oil

black pepper

sprig of thyme

pinch of oregano

6 lamb chops (pre-cleaned)

Put everything into a Ziploc bag and shake.  Stick it in the refrigerator for a few hours, or leave it on the counter for one hour.

MAKE THE DRESSING

½ cup of buttermilk

The juice of half a lemon

2 Tbsp of olive oil

1 Tbsp of pistachio oil (optional)

½ tsp of cumin

1 clove of garlic, grated

1/8 tsp ground Sumac (optional)

1/8 tsp salt

A good grinding of black pepper

Put it all in a jar and shake it up.  Set it aside.

PREP THE SALAD

¼ red onion

1 lime, juiced (or 2, if they’re dry)

1 tomato chopped, or a handful of cherry tomatoes,            cut in half

A handful of kalamata olives, pitted and halved

1 cup of cubed feta cheese

1 can of garbanzo beans, drained and rinsed

1 bunch of parsley, washed

½ bunch of mint, washed

Slice or microplane the onion into thin pieces.  Put them in a small bowl and add the lime juice.  Toss and set aside.

Chop the tomato, olives, feta and toss into a bowl.  Add the garbanzo beans.

Tear the parsley a bit and add it to the bowl.  Don’t tear it too small since you’re using it like a lettuce in this salad.

Chop the mint and add it to the bowl.

ASSEMBLE THE SALAD

Into the bowl containing the salad, pour the onions with the lime juice, and the salad dressing and give it a toss.  Check for seasoning.  Add more salt or lemon juice, as needed.

COOK THE LAMB

Get a skillet (preferably cast iron one) heated to a nice medium-high.  Remove each of the lamb chops from the bag, giving it a shake on the way out, and put into the hot pan.  After 4 minutes, turn them.  Leave them on for another 3 – 5 minutes, depending on their thickness and remove them to a plate to finish cooking.

PUT IT ALL TOGETHER

Arrange the salad on the plate and top with the lamb.  Devour with cannibalistic glee.